New is new and old is old

After everything went south, all I really wanted was for things to get back to normal. I struggled and struggled to go back to the way things were, but the way things were just kept getting farther and farther away.

I don’t know how long it took me to finally realize that there was no going back. But it was far too long. It’s like putting a new puzzle together using old pieces. Pick one image to construct or the other. You can’t have both. New is new and old is old and everything that has happened before this moment is old.

I’m still not fully ready to talk about everything that happened, but in a few short years everything changed. I changed. I seen some shit. Once you’ve seen some shit, you never really unsee it.

Once you’ve been homeless, the way you see the whole world changes. You become grateful just to have a vehicle to sleep in, and fuel to keep you warm on cold nights. You become grateful for access to running water. Cooking facilities. Trash services. Toilets.

Things you never even thought about before start looking like luxuries. Things you thought of as favorite luxuries before become obscene extravagances. Your entire system of values shifts.

Maybe someday I’ll go back to taking refrigerators and bathing facilities for granted again, but I sincerely doubt it, and I’m thankful for that too.

Some of the shit is bad, some of the shit is good, but either way it has a way of becoming a part of you. Whether you want it to or not. Some things just move inside of you and make themselves at home.

I still don’t know what is going on with my business plan. It has been nearly a year since I first submitted my plan. It has been done and redone by 3 different professional business planners. It has gone from my dream of a small business to a full on factory set up. It has gone from a small family business to a full on corporate headquarters.

It’s not what I had first envisioned at all, and I’ve really struggled with that. The current incarnation of this plan is big. It’s freaking huge. I tried to build a business around my disabilities. They sort of readjusted it to suit the standard business model. Which is really not where I was headed with this at all.

But, I don’t ever want to be homeless again. I don’t ever want to have to rely on anybody but myself ever again. I want to be able to rely on myself even on days when my body isn’t fully functional.

So.

I’m still doing this. One way or the other. I should hear from the grant people any day now. If they say yes, we go forward with the giant mega plan. If they say no we drop the grant people and end the year long hell they’ve put us through and scale it back down to where my first plan was. We move forward on our own. Slower, but at least we get started without having to spend six months waiting on this person and a year waiting on that.

It’s the waiting that’ll get ya. Every. Damn. Time.

The only thing that really got me through the worst of the last few years was the vision I had in my head for a business that could both sustain me and help me battle my disabilities at the same time. Something that would give me a real future instead of broken promises. Something that gave me control of my own choices.

I’m going to get there. I don’t know when, or how, but I will get there. And it will be SOON!

I’m done with trying to make my life look they way it used to look. I left that person in the past for a reason. Who wants to go backwards?

Onwards!!!

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