Surviving the TPocalypse VS Zombies


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The Rona Diaries, Day ???


Americans have watched hundreds of thousands of hours of post-apocalyptic scenarios play out on film. All of those hours of The Walking Dead and survival shows like The Colony are feeling a bit close to home right now.

Americans are pros at the apocalypse, at least in theory.

I am as much an apocalypse expert as any American. Our family has had a zombie contingency plan since my kids were preteens. Each family member has a weapon of choice picked out. We knew which buildings we would hunker down in. Which vehicles we would claim and how we would modify them. We even knew which neighbors we would trip… if it came to that.

And we ALL know the importance of enjoying Twinkies while we can!

Years of watching our favorite characters fight off zombie hoards have prepared us to handle the zombie after the virus but not so much the virus without the zombies.

Even with all of my training, I still have no idea what is up with the whole toilet paper hoarding obsession. Seriously, unless you have reason to believe that your bathroom visits are going to increase one hundred fold, do you really need that garage full of TP?

I mean. They never hoarded toilet paper on the Walking Dead.If you have to carry everything you own in a backpack paper products didn’t seem to rate as highly in the fictional world. It’s not exactly the most space friendly survival supply. And there are… substitutes…

So what happens when Americans finally get their chance at a real live test run of their survivalist skills? They buy toilet paper. Not just some. All.

All the toilet paper. Gone.

There are rumors that people were driving all the way from Denver when they found out our Dollar Store still had toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

That’s a six hour drive one way. 600 miles round trip.

To buy tushie paper.

But WHY?

Did that Q creep convince people that toilet paper renders one invisible to germs? Maybe we are supposed to build toilet paper forts to filter out the virus? Maybe some of us are just way more scared than others?

Man, I don’t know, but when people are driving 600 miles for a 4 pack of 2 ply, I feel I must be missing something rather large.

They didn’t stop production of toilet paper forever did they? Nope. Production hasn’t even slowed down. They are still making the same amount of toilet paper that they were 3 months ago when shelves were full. Shelves will be full again soon, and some people will still be wiping themselves with TP circa 2020 until 2030.

While the rest of us hastily plan that bidet installation as soon as life goes back to normal.

Stephen King was kind enough to clarify on Twitter that is is NOT “The Stand.” Which for some reason reassured me more than any politician could. If Stephen King isn’t scared yet, then I’m good. No, this isn’t the end of life as we know it – just a pause on life as we are used to.

I mean… at least there aren’t zombies.

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