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I’m not sure if I still remember why I came here. It hasn’t been the greatest experience. But then again the most important lessons are rarely pleasant.
I certainly do hope that someday I finally get these lessons down, so I can finally stop learning them.
All of this learning is kind of exhausting.
Some big changes coming. There are always big changes coming. I’ve grown really tired of big changes.
All attempts at working have been a failure. I continue to try to work for myself. Starting a business on your own, is hard enough. Trying to do it around a disability makes it doubly hard. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to accomplish what I think I should be accomplishing.
And it gets very frustrating.
Every day I try to remind myself what I’ve accomplished. I try not to be too hard on myself, but the voices, they are another story…
I call them the ghosts, and sometimes when they’re especially annoying, the committee. They’re not ghosts, not really, and they aren’t really there either, not really… but they haunt me just the same.
Echoes from the past shall we say? Something along those lines. Things that were said. Things that never should have been said at all. Things that were left unsaid.
They’ve always been there. These ghosts that aren’t. I assume they’ll always be there. Telling me that I should be trying harder. Telling me that it’s never enough. Telling me that there’s no hope.
I hate them, but I suppose there is much a part of me as my fingers and toes by now.
It’s only been the past few years however, that they really started driving me crazy. It’s like a hornet’s nest in my head.
I’m trying to learn mindfulness now. It isn’t easy with all this chaos in my brain. It’s not easy for me to sit still, or to be in silence, or to be alone with my thoughts.
Suddenly, it seems so crucial. As if my only path to sanity, is to get these thoughts in my head under control. Maybe not control, as much as just quiet them down.
Part of mindfulness, is learning to be non-judgmental of the thoughts that come our way. That’s hard for me, given my background, my history, what have you.
I come from a judgmental people. I come from a judgmental place. I am trapped within a judgmental mind.
I must escape.
My therapists say I will. I’m still not certain that I believe them. Yet, I’ve come to a point, or I have no choice.
If I want to keep going I need to keep trusting them. I need to start trusting myself.
It sounds so easy doesn’t it?